Giving

For many years, I worked with a colleague whom I admired. Tough, smart, quick-witted: attributes that are necessary when working with students and teachers. Admirable and necessary until they were turned on me.

At least twice a year, she would find some way to hurt my feelings. I say "find" because I believe that she did indeed look for ways to cut me--an ugly word, a rolled eye, a comment to students about me or my abilities--all "uncalled-for," as my mother would say. For a long time, I tried to stay out of her way, but as I became more confident in my abilities, I decided not to care so much about it.

If she were cordial, fine.

If not, fine.

I can change no one but myself, right? I have so much trouble trusting people, and even more difficulty finding people with whom I have something (enough?) in common, but I have usually been able to find such friends among my colleagues. What is so odd is that she and I had more in common than anyone else I worked with, but she always made it clear that she did not intend us to be friends, and since we had to be colleagues, she could make that miserable, too.

But as I said, I stopped worrying so much about it. This is the point in the story that most narrators would say, ". . . and once I stopped caring and worrying, our relationship became magically wonderful." It didn't.

We carried on working together, sometimes with common goals, but more often without them. By the time I was ready to move on to another position, our dissatisfaction with our jobs was one thing we did have in common. I asked her for a recommendation, and she agreed to give it.

Now that I have moved on, I have received notes and a phone call from her. I'm not sure what to do about that. I know she is very unhappy in her position; I have deep sympathy for her. I have been where she is.

Do I reach out to her? Do I answer her notes with notes of my own? Doing so would be painful if she reacts in the way she has reacted in the past. Does it matter?

She has a birthday soon, and I woke up this morning thinking of her latest card. My sleepy brain began working through small gift possibilities that could be left on her doorstep. I'm going to spend some time today thinking about what to do.